This blog is not something that I ever envisioned myself writing. I have poured my heart out on this site for a few years and shared incredibly painful and intimate details about my life. But there’s one thing that I haven’t shared; my sexuality. This is something that I’ve grappled with and struggled with for years. It has taken me years to figure out who I am exactly. And I know now who I am. I’m gay. I think that a part of me has always known. I never truly was attracted to guys. I desperately wanted to be however. I knew that it was expected of me to date guys and eventually fall in love with one. And I did date guys, a few of them. But it never felt right. I didn’t feel that attraction and that chemistry that I had heard so much about. I wasn’t happy with guys. I cared deeply about them, but I was not attracted to them. I finally started to piece it together during my senior year of high school. I remember being so terrified to even admit it to myself. I told some of my friends and my family, but it wasn’t something that we talked about a whole lot. The last few years I have sort of gone back into the closet. I still felt so ashamed and felt like something was wrong with me. I still struggle with it to this day, but it keeps getting easier. I’ve realized that being gay doesn’t define me. It’s just a piece of me. I’m still me, nothing has changed. I have expressed so much about my life on my blog and felt like I needed to express this, even if no one ever reads it. To my friends and family who have supported me, thank you so much. I feel so loved. I am proud of myself and I love the person I am. This is scary and I have never felt more vulnerable in my life. But I believe that it’s okay. I believe that I was created by God and he loves me for exactly the person I am. Love is love.
Here we go again
The last week and a half has been pretty crazy. My family and I have been through some emotional and challenging moments these past few days. First of all I want to say thank you. I was overwhelmed by the love and support on my last post. I have said it before but I truly am so grateful to be surrounded by loving and generous people. I used to be ashamed in talking about my dad’s circumstances. For some reason I felt as through it reflected negatively on myself. But I have learned that I am not my dad. I am not in control of his decisions or choices. I am my own person and am able to make my own decisions. I can choose to never put myself down the path of addiction and create a great life for myself. I am grateful to my mom for everything that she has done. Since the moment she found out she was pregnant with me, she has been there. She was there through all the joyful moments in my life as well as the ones of unbearable pain. I am thankful that she raised me to be strong, resilient, and independent. I would be nowhere without her. In these last 6 years I have learned how to be strong and how to get up when life knocks you down. Life is not easy. Quite frankly sometimes it sucks. But I have learned how to keep moving on when all I want to do is cry. In some ways I am grateful to my dad. I don’t accept the choices that he’s made or condone them in any way, but his actions have made me the strong woman that I think I’ve grown to be. This past week was full of disappointment and uncertainty, but I have been surrounded by love and uplifted by so many people. I cannot express how grateful I am to those who have been with me on this journey. You are the people that give me so much joy and hope about my life.
As for my dad, I was able to speak to him a few days ago. I was able to tell him how angry at him I am and how disappointed I am. I want him to understand the pain that he has caused his family. Maybe if he understands, he will be able to change. No matter what happens I love my dad. He is the only dad I have and he will always be my dad. But I have learned that love does not equal trust or respect. I love him but I can’t trust him. I don’t respect the choices he has made. Today was his hearing. He was sentenced to 150 days in prison which is about 5 months. I thought that I would be an emotional wreck today, but surprisingly I am okay. I have been through this before and I know how to deal with it. Of course it is hard and sad. I don’t necessarily want him to be there but maybe this will be a stepping stone to his recovery. Hopefully he wakes up and realizes how serious this problem is. I am not expecting a whole lot of change but I can always hope for a brighter tomorrow for him. This is just another hurdle that I have to deal with. Thankfully nothing in my day to day life changes. I have to continue to carry on with my life and not let this get in the way of my goals. I have so much hope for my future and I am excited to see where life takes me.
All Over Again
It has been about two years since my last blog post. So much has changed in these past two years. I am currently finishing up my sophomore year of college. It’s crazy to think that I made it this far. I love everything about college. I have made some of the greatest friends and have started to pursue a social work major. I want to work with child protection and child advocacy. The thing that I have learned about life is that it is always changing. I most often associate change with negativity, considering the negative changes that I have been through in the past 6 years. It is crazy to think that it has been 6 years since my life was completely and forever changed. My last post two years ago was about my dad getting out of prison. I remember the flood of different emotions the first time that I saw him. It was as though I was meeting someone new. He was strange and foreign to me. It was odd to spend time with him and be able to call him whenever I wanted. I quickly got used to that idea and eventually began to love spending time with him. We had to catch up because it had been 4 years since I had been able to see him not behind glass in a prison. I was overjoyed thinking I would never have to walk through those metal detectors and slamming doors just to see my father. Things seemed to be going well. We were starting to build back the relationship that had previously been lost. I would talk to him a few times a week and see him every couple months. He was starting to feel like my dad again. The last time I talked to him was this past Monday and everything seemed fine. I told him what classes I was going to take next semester and he told me about his busy day at work. On Wednesday afternoon I got a call from my mom. She said he re-offended. Apparently they found some images on his computer. For anyone who doesn’t know, my dad was originally in prison for possession of child pornography. He was back in custody. I couldn’t believe it. It was as though my world stopped. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t talk. All I could think was how could this happen again. After everything, he messed up again. I am angry and so disappointed in him. I thought he wanted to change but I don’t think he does. He has a hearing on Friday April 22nd to determine if he goes back to prison. It was definitely shocking and awful to hear this. It feels like a betrayal. He hasn’t called me yet and I hope he does soon. I truly don’t know what I’m going to say to him.
I am trying to make sense of this whole situation. I don’t think it has quite hit me that he is sitting in a jail cell. I feel very helpless, and I want to make this better. But I can’t. All I can do is pray that everything will work out. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I thank God that I have such a strong support system. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my family and friends. I am not in this alone, but it still hurts. It tears me up inside to think of my dad in an orange jumpsuit in a county jail. But I have to have faith that I will make it through this. I survived this once and I can survive it again. I want to say thank you to all the people who have helped and supported me through the entire situation. I am choosing to not let this break me. I have to carry on with my life and choose to find joy and happiness. I have to surround myself with the people who love and support me, and that is what will get me through.
4 days
In 4 short days my life is going to change all over again. My dad is getting out a prison on Monday. Recently a lot of people have been asking me how I feel about this. I tell them that I don’t really know. On one hand I want to celebrate him coming back into the world. But then I think about what a crazy idea that is. “Oh hey dad, congrats on getting out of prison.” That just doesn’t even sound right. On the other hand I’m terrified. I cannot predict what the future is going to hold for him. I have never really handled change well, so this is just another one of those times. I am terrified that he is going to re-offend, and continue to put his selfish wants above his three children. I believe that every child should have loving parents, and be a number one priority. I hope that my dad has learned something in these last four years, and that he can be a better father. I want to be able to trust that he is going to do this but he doesn’t exactly have a stellar record of doing what he says he’s going to do. I have been waiting for him to get out for 3 and a half years, and now the day is right here. I thought that I would be overjoyed, but frankly I don’t feel that way. I’m not exactly sure how to even handle this. These next few weeks are going to be full of change. I just have to take it one day at a time, and believe that everything will work out somehow. As for my dad, I’m not going to give up on him. Regardless of the decisions he has made, he is still my dad. And I only get one dad. Hopefully he will be the best one he can.
4 long years
Today its been four years since the police arrived at our house and we learned about everything my dad had done. Its been 4 years, but I can still remember that day vividly. I can remember all the emotions that I felt, and everything that happened that day. It seems like it was just yesterday. As I look back now, I realize just how far I’ve come since January 25 2010. My life has changed so much in 4 years. Im 18 now, and graduating from high school in June. It seems crazy to me. My sister is now the same age that I was, when my entire world changed. These past four years have been filled with pain, anger, and alot of change. But I realize that these changes were not all bad. I am not the same little 14 year old girl that I was. I have grown up so much in these past years. I realized just how strong I actually am. I have learned how to deal with pain, and how to be able to eventually move past it. Something that I get asked alot is, would I change what happened to me? And my answer is no. What I have been through completely made me a new person. I am happy with my life now. I have an amazing family, friends, and relationship with Jesus. I have learned important lessons in life. One of them being that life is not perfect. Just when you feel comfortable and safe, some obstacle will come along that will force you to experience hardship. But there comes a point when you have to tell yourself that you can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to accept what happened, and grow and learn from it. I have also learned just how important family is. Without my family I don’t know where I would be. They have been there through it all to love and support me.
My dad is getting released from prison in May, and I have mixed feelings about it. I pray constantly that he is a changed person and he is able to live a better life and be there for his children. But I also worry that he is going to relapse and we are going to go through this all again. I hope that he and I can build up a good, honest relationship. Although he has put me through alot of pain, one thing will never change. He is my dad. And i believe that he loves me, as much as I love him.
My Nana
About a week ago now I lost one of the most amazing people in my life. My Nana passed away at 78 years of age. Nana was one of the strongest people that I have ever met. She had lupus and always seemed to be sick or hurt with something. But that didn’t stop her. Every time I saw her she had the biggest smile. I remember she was always proud of me for whatever I was doing. She wanted to know everything that was going on in my life, from school, to friends, to activities. As I got older she would ask me if there were any special boys. That always made me smile. My Nana had the most amazing faith in Jesus. Even through all of her health conditions, she always told me that God was great. She knew exactly where she was going when she died, right to Heaven to be with Jesus. Nana could always make me smile. She would call me and ask me where the reply button was for her email. She could never seem to find it! She told me that she wanted to go to Como zoo with me, and watch Titanic because she had never seen it. We never got to do those things, but next time I watch Titanic I know she’ll be there with me. She was also determined to keep up on all the latest trends, such as texting, Instagram, and combat boots. I can’t imagine my nana wearing combat boots, but I know she would have!
My nana was such an inspiration to me. I have never met anyone with the strength and faith that she had. She always put others above herself. I am so happy that she got to see me be confirmed. Even though I won’t see her she will be with me through all those major milestones in my life. I know that she is proud of me. The last thing she said to me was “I love you sweetheart.” I can hear her voice telling me that, and I know that she really loved me. I know that she is always watching me from Heaven, and she’s probably texting and wearing combat boots.
I love you Nana.
A little bit of faith
Hey guys, i know i havent posted for a few months but something that God has been laying on my heart is the idea of faith. Faith is a really tricky thing. Faith is believing in something that you can’t always see. This September i will be starting my senior year of high school. It is crazy to think that in less than a year i will have graduated from high school. Lately I have been going nuts worrying about my future. Such as where I’m gonna go to college, moving away, and what I do after that. I am trying to just put it in God’s hands, and know that He will get it figured out for me. But that is alot easier said than done. Having faith is a back and forth struggle for me. Some days i feel extremely confident in my faith, and others not so much. It always seems like life keeps throwing these obstacles in my path, and I’m trying to figure out how to keep my faith strong through it all. I know in my heart that God is always faithful, but its difficult to have faith during the hard times. Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” A couple weeks ago my sister and I were coming home from church camp and she asked me “how do you know God is really there, when you cant see him?” That question struck me as something that i have wondered forever. I wasn’t really sure how to answer to that question, and I didn’t really feel qualified to answer it. After thinking about it for a while I told her that we couldn’t have gotten through the stuff with our dad, had it not been for God. We can’t do it on our own, and we need to have faith that God is going to take care of us. Having faith is so hard yet so important. If we trust in God He will always be faithful.
Loving Yourself
Something that has always been a huge struggle for me is self image. Especially when I was younger I was constantly hating different things about myself. My curly hair, my glasses, my braces, and my pale skin just to name a few. Growing up in a Christian family I had been told that you are perfect in God’s eyes. I never felt perfect though. I would go to school everyday thinking about what every other girl looked like, and constantly criticizing myself for what I looked like. In the past few years i’ve come to realize that im not the only one with this problem. I hear about girls that don’t feel good about themselves all the time. It is so sad how big of a problem it can be. The truth is God doesn’t judge us for what we look like on the outside. He only looks at the inside, because that’s all that matters anyway. Unfortunately society doesn’t work that way. We constantly judge, and are being judged for what we look like. 1 Samuel 16:7 says that “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I found this verse the other day, and I just really connected with it. I am always so concerned about what other people think of me. I never was paying attention to what God thought of me. Self image and appearance is still a huge problem for me. But I have learned that what others think doesn’t matter. If you are struggling with any appearance issue just remember that God created you, and God makes no mistakes. Love you for you. It has been my goal not to judge people for how they look, but remember that they are a child of God, and they and myself are perfect in His eyes. “You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you” -Song of Solomon 4:7
Thanks
Hey guys,
I just wanted to post a thank you for all the positive feedback from yesterday’s post. It was amazing to see how people were reading and commenting about my story. Writing that was definitely really hard and challenging for me. Talking about my experiences has always been a struggle. But I just felt that God was laying it on my heart to share that. I hope that you were able to learn something from what I had to share. So I just wanted to thank all of you for the positive feedback!
my story
As a kid I had grown up in church. I attended sunday school, and vacation bible school every summer. But I never had that personal relationship with God. I knew about God but I didn’t know God. And up until I was 14 I didn’t know how important God truly was.
My childhood was pretty good. I am the oldest child with two younger sisters. I had two loving parents. I had a pretty sheltered life, and didn’t know much about real hurt. Unknown to me there were troubles in paradise. My parents had split up multiple times, and I never knew why. I never really bothered to know the full truth. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs listening to their shouting voices yelling at each other. When I would ask about it they told me it was about “grown up things” that I shouldn’t worry about. I never thought much of it.
On January 25, 2010 my life changed forever. I was fourteen. I had stayed home from school that day, to go to a doctors appointment. It seemed like a normal day. My dad left for his job as a computer programmer. My mom stayed home with me, as she was a stay at home mom. At around noon there was a knock on the door. When I opened it there were two detectives standing there. They asked to speak with my mom. I had absolutely no idea what was happening, hearing my mom sob in the other room. A few minutes later she came and gave me the news. My dad had been caught with possession of child pornography. My world just stopped. I was in complete shock. That day was just a blur. Family members, and pastors came to our house. I was so incredibly angry with my dad, my mom, and with God. I remember thinking “God why would you do this to me?” About a year later my dad was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison. I went through a deep depression and was diagnosed with anxiety. My world was this black hole that I couldn’t pull myself out of. My relationship with God had taken a turn for the worse. In my mind God didn’t care. I was so angry and I continued to push myself away from Him. It wasn’t till about the end of my freshman year that I finally started to let God back in, little by little. Now my faith is seems so solid. As I look back on the past few years I realize that God has been there through it all. He never let me go. I pray that my story can help others learn of God’s love. God has a plan for every single person. My family was meant to go through that time of pain, fear, anger, and sorrow. I don’t know why we had to go through it. I never will understand it. But today my relationship with my dad continues to grow. I have been able to push through the anger and the hurt. If you are struggling with anything, know how much God loves you. He will never put you through anything you cant handle. Trust in Him.
caitlinwhitney7 